A Starlit Summer Page 19

  It was odd driving away from the winding narrow roads, leaving behind picturesque fishermen’s cottages and the glinting blue of the sea for motorways edged by fields, which eventually turned into the built-up city she was used to. Home. Except, as she let herself into her flat and closed the door on the traffic and exhaust fumes, she realised she’d never felt less at home. Most of her clothes were down at the cottage in Cornwall, and as she was renting a furnished place, she actually had few belongings of her own: a handful photos, a toaster and a kettle didn’t really make a home. Her parents had insisted she stay with them for the weekend, and apart from checking her flat and collecting her post, she wasn’t going to hang about.

  After spending weeks in the cottage in Cornwall, she knew she never really thought of her flat as home. It was a place to crash after a long day, but that was about it – unlike Bramble Cottage, a place she’d truly fallen in love with. She closed the door to her flat and locked it. The communal hallway smelt damp and stale and the carpet was grubby from numerous feet and tyre marks. Two bikes leant against the tired-looking cream wall. She gathered the post that had been left out for her on the shelf above the radiator. Not that it was ever actually on. In winter, the hallway was cold and unwelcoming, and she was always glad to get into her small but warm flat.

  Jenna got back into her car and drummed her fingers on the steering wheel, delaying getting going in the rush hour traffic. She felt foolish, at the age of twenty-seven, being worried about seeing her parents, but they weren’t used to witnessing their daughter’s supposed love life played out in the media. She wasn’t used to it either. She wasn’t used to paparazzi shouting her name and trying to get a reaction as she left set. Everything about the last couple of weeks was far removed from her normal life. Her taste of fame was not as exciting as she thought it would be.

  She pulled up outside her parents’ house and switched off the engine. She hesitated, acknowledging that the sick feeling in her stomach was the thought of her parents being disappointed in her. She got out, her legs still stiff from hours spent driving and grabbed her overnight bag from the boot. Her mum had the door open and was standing on the step before Jenna made it halfway up the garden path.

  ‘Hiya, love.’ Her mum wrapped her in a hug. Jenna sank into her arms realising how much she’d needed to see her parents. Kath pulled away and looked her up and down. ‘Are you okay? You look tired.’

  ‘It’s a long drive.’

  ‘A cuppa is what you need.’ She ushered her into the hallway and closed the front door behind them.

  Jenna left her bag on the floor and followed her mum into the kitchen. She sat at the table while her mum fussed about, switching on the kettle, pulling two mugs from the cupboard and dropping in teabags.

  ‘Where’s Dad?’

  ‘Not back from work yet.’

  Jenna looked at her watch. ‘I’ve kinda lost track of time today.’

  ‘Were you filming this morning?’ Kath slid the biscuit tin across the table.

  ‘Only for an hour.’

  ‘Well, at least you can have a rest for a day or two now, can’t you.’

  Jenna nodded and hunted about in the tin for a chocolate digestive.

  ‘Have they been feeding you well on set?’

  ‘We always get fed well, so yes. I’ve been eating if that’s what you’re worried about.’

  Kath placed two cups of tea on the table and sat down. ‘I’m not worried about that. Well, I am worried; I’m worried because I know how stress and anxiety have affected you in the past. And the last time I spoke to you, well, you sounded so stressed.’

  It was the elephant in the room, her mum skirting around the topic Jenna knew she was dying to talk about.

  Jenna dunked a digestive in her tea. ‘I assume you’ve seen the latest gossip?’

  Kath nodded and cupped her hands round her tea. Her knuckles turned white. ‘About you, Milo and Heidi. How did she get dragged into all of this?’

  ‘She dragged herself in – actually no, there was no dragging needed. She wants the attention.’

  ‘So she’s really with Milo?’

  ‘As much as anyone can be with Milo.’

  ‘What does that mean?’

  ‘Nothing. I’m not with Milo, never have been, never will be. I don’t care what Milo and Heidi get up to, I just want to be left out of everything.’

  Jenna watched her mum sip her tea; she knew she was trying to work out what to say.

  ‘What about your agent. What has she said about the situation?’

  ‘Oh, she loves it. She’s had offers pouring in.’

  ‘Really? Well, that’s good, isn’t it?’

  ‘Sort of.’

  ‘What have you been offered?’

  ‘Well, that’s the problem, it’s mostly been reality TV.’

  ‘Okay...’

  ‘The main one being The Love Hotel.’

  ‘Oh.’ Her mum’s eyes widened. ‘That’s quite an opportunity, isn’t it?’

  ‘It pays loads. Super high profile.’

  ‘You don’t sound sure.’

  ‘I don’t really feel sure about anything. What do you think? What would Dad think about it?’

  ‘Your dad will say go for it – you know what he’s like, always one for jumping in headfirst and thinking about it afterwards.’

  ‘And you?’

  ‘I don’t know what to think really. You don’t sound happy about it, but then the amount of attention you’ve received because of this Milo Blake thing... The truth is, I’m worried about you, love. You were so happy when you first went down to Cornwall, and now, I don’t know. You seem to have the weight of the world on your shoulders. I don’t think I’m in the best position to advise what you should or shouldn’t do. What do your friends say? People you know in the business? They’re the best ones to judge.’

  ‘Everyone can see both sides – the good and bad. It could be the best thing ever or it could destroy everything I’ve worked hard for.’

  Kath tipped her head back and closed her eyes. ‘What is it they say? You only regret the things you don’t do, not the things you do.’ She looked directly at Jenna.

  ‘So you’re saying I should do it?’

  Kath placed a warm hand on her arm. ‘I’m not sure what I’m saying. I guess I can’t say I like the idea of you parading about on TV...’

  ‘It’s not parading...’

  Kath shot her a look. ‘They’re half naked most of the time; I’ve seen the show, it’s all about sex and flouncing about in a bikini. But what I think shouldn’t stop you from doing it, if that’s what you really want. You’re young and beautiful, Jenna. What young woman wouldn’t go for that kind of opportunity? I mean, if I was thirty years younger, as gorgeous as you and single, well...’ She raised an eyebrow.

  Jenna stood up and went over to the sink. She leant on the side and looked out across the garden. The olive tree she’d bought for her parents’ thirtieth wedding anniversary last year was doing well, its silvery green leaves looking beautiful beneath the late afternoon sun.

  She turned back to her mum. ‘I already said yes to it.’

  ‘Oh, you did. Well, that’s fine then, isn’t it, love? Your decision’s made.’

  Jenna bit her lip. Was that disappointment in her mum’s voice? Or maybe it was worry. Her parents would support her whatever she did, wouldn’t they?

  Kath scraped her chair back. ‘Well, your dad will be back soon. We thought we’d get a takeaway this evening. You can invite Carla over if you like.’

  Jenna nodded, downed her tea and took her bag up to her old bedroom, which was now another spare room. It didn’t take long to unpack. She messaged Carla about coming over and immediately got a reply, simply saying, ‘hell yeah!’

  ~

  Jenna was glad of Carla’s reassuring presence as they sat together at the dining table, half-empty trays of curry between them. Carla had been a staple in their lives since Jenna was eighteen and had started drama scho
ol, but it felt like they’d known each other longer than that.

  Kath broke off a piece of poppadum and turned to Carla. ‘What do you think of all this stuff going on with Milo then?’

  ‘Honestly, I’m conflicted. I keep thinking what I’d do if I was in her position. I mean, Milo wouldn’t touch me with a bargepole. I’m not his type.’ She winked at Jenna. ‘The wrong kind of blonde, too many tattoos and piercings for his liking. But if I looked like Jenna I’d probably lap up the attention and accept the opportunities with open arms – but that’s because I’m not used to it.’

  The tips of her faded pink hair were dyed purple, a change since the last time Jenna had seen her. Jenna hated the way she thought of her ‘girl next door’ looks as a curse rather than a blessing. She’d had so many people being jealous of her over the years, when at times she’d have traded it all in to look like Carla, beautiful in her own way: individual and full of character. She was cursed by being the perceived idea of beauty. She had nothing to complain about and yet she felt trapped by her looks into being something she wasn’t.

  Carla glanced between Kath and Tony. ‘Milo’s a sleazeball playing Jenna and Heidi against each other.’

  ‘But why’s he doing it?’ Kath frowned. ‘He’s famous enough as it is. Why does he need the extra attention?’

  Carla scooped up a forkful of pilau rice. ‘Because he can.’

  Jenna played around with the food left on her plate. It was difficult to explain the reasoning behind Milo’s actions without spilling the truth. Maybe she should? Why the hell was she protecting him? She gripped her fork tighter and skewered a piece of onion bhaji. She knew why, because as easily as he could raise her profile and help her get offers and auditions, he could destroy her too. She could lose everything she’d worked so hard for. There was no way Milo would allow her to reveal the truth without hurting her for it. She could trust her parents to stay quiet, the same way she could trust Carla, but what if they told Denise next door – she’d be happy to sell the gossip to the highest bidder the moment her mum said anything. No, she had to skirt round the truth, not just to protect Milo, but to protect herself too.

  ~

  Jenna piled the empty plates together and her mum took them over to the kitchen sink.

  ‘Anyone want coffee?’ she called back.

  ‘I’ll have one, love.’ Tony stood up, patted Jenna’s shoulder, and went and sat in his armchair by the TV.

  ‘Decaf for me please, Kath.’

  ‘Jenna, you want anything?’

  ‘Camomile tea, please.’

  ‘You have a permanent frown on your face, Jenna.’ Carla leaned closer and put her hands on Jenna’s. ‘It doesn’t suit you. You’re my happy easy-going friend; I’m the one who should be all angst-ridden.’

  Tony turned on the TV and flicked through the channels. The kettle started to boil and Kath pottered about getting cups out of cupboards.

  Jenna gritted her teeth. ‘I’m expected to act a certain way because I look a certain way. You’ve just said it – I can’t possibly be gloomy and emotional because I’m a bubbly blonde.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Jenna, I didn’t mean it like that...’

  Jenna shook her head. ‘No, it’s fine. I know you didn’t. But I’m typecast in real life as well as for roles. I’m expected to behave and react a certain way because I’m a bloody blonde actress. Milo expected me to lap up the attention and got a shock when I didn’t.’ Jenna gazed past Carla at her mum pouring boiling water into mugs. ‘All this shit with Milo has taken over my life; it’s all I can think about. It’s driving me mad.’ Carla’s hands squeezed tighter over hers. Jenna looked at her friend. ‘If I’m feeling this uncomfortable about a story that’s bullshit, do I really want to be famous? I mean famous for fame’s sake?’

  ‘Well, I guess you need to ask yourself why you wanted to be an actor. Was it for the love of the craft or the idea of celebrity, being someone?’

  ‘Can’t you “be someone” without having to be famous?’

  ‘Of course you can, but unfortunately we now live in a society where being famous because you’re pretty or an actress, a model, or because you take your clothes off or go on reality TV, is given more importance than being a nurse or a paramedic, a scientist, a humanitarian. In fact, it’s given more importance than just about anything.’

  ‘That’s not right, is it?’

  ‘Of course it’s not, but it’s the world we live in. Reality TV, fake news, Trump as President and Brexit. I mean, it’s all gone to shit. But play the game right, Jen, and you’ll make millions, but you might have to sell your soul in the process.’

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  The drive back to Cornwall felt even longer. On her way to Surrey, she’d been looking forward to seeing her parents and staying with them, and now she was heading back to an empty cottage and the prospect of work the next day. The holiday traffic didn’t help, and she ended up crawling along the motorway with lorries, caravans and camper vans heading in both directions. She’d been mad to travel this distance in such a short space of time, but she’d been homesick. She’d hoped her visit would have made things clearer, and although she felt like it had been a break – however brief – somehow she was even more confused.

  Jenna knew her parents would support her whatever she decided to do. Her mum had been right; it was Jenna’s life and she needed to make a decision based on what she wanted, and not be influenced by her parents. They weren’t going to stop her, but it didn’t mean they were going to like it.

  The thoughts that continued to swirl around her head eased a little as she reached Cornwall. As the roads narrowed and the surroundings became greener, she felt calmer. But she didn’t go straight to Bramble Cottage, instead she headed to the coast and the beach Finn had taken her to. She parked in the same car park and checked the time; she had a couple of hours before it started getting dark. She grabbed her shoulder bag and a bottle of water and set off, finding the path through the long grasses that led away from the busy beach in front. Her feet pounded the sandy path and she was glad she’d thrown a jumper on over her T-shirt. Her legs were bare in denim shorts and the grass tickled as she walked. The further she went, the quieter it became, the sound of people and cars disappearing as she rounded the headland. The view was as stunning as the first time she’d seen it with Finn. The rugged coastline from high on the cliff was bathed in a golden light.

  She waited at the top of the steps to the beach to let a family go past, parents and three kids with an assortment of rucksacks and bags, with colourful nets poking out of the top of the dad’s bag. They smiled and said hello as they went by, probably off to get changed before going out to a pub for Sunday dinner. Maybe they were lucky enough to be staying in one of the hillside holiday houses with their far-reaching sea views.

  As Jenna started down the steep stepped path, her stomach rumbled. It had been a long time ago since she’d eaten a sad-looking sandwich at a service station on the M5. She’d do anything for a roast dinner right now. Like the roast she’d had at Finn’s parents’ back when life had been so damn good. She wished Finn was with her now, his broad shoulders and windswept blonde hair leading the way. He’d stopped at the awkward steep bits and held his hand out to help her down. She made it down now in one piece, jumping the last bit and landing on soft pale sand. She knew she was torturing herself by coming here when the memories of Finn were still fresh. She kept walking anyway, planting footprints into the damp sand.

  The cove was empty, still and quiet, no voices, only the gentle waves bubbling on to the sand. Jenna relished the peace after the last couple of weeks of being surrounded by people intent on knowing every detail about her life, her past, her relationships. Her taste of fame was not what she’d been dreaming about since drama school. It wasn’t Oscar-worthy, scene-stealing fame, but fame for seemingly hooking up with someone who actually was famous. She ploughed across the sand, giving herself time to think. She could choose the reality TV route and the pot
ential of what it might lead to – a bigger profile and better roles. There were possibilities that was for sure, but would it be worth it? What if it backfired and messed up her acting career? What if she ended up selling out for money and fame rather than knuckling down and working hard to gain roles because of her talent? Or her looks?

  She sat down and wrapped her arms around her bare knees. The sea was so clear and blue, a turquoise shimmer in the late afternoon sunshine. The location should have lifted her spirits. Part of her wanted to wallow in self-pity, but the other half felt like she should embrace the opportunity. Would she really be selling her soul? Other people would jump at the chance. Without a doubt, Heidi would.

  Maybe she should be more like her, more ruthless in her ambition for fame and fortune, whatever the cost. Acting was what she’d always wanted to do and success on a big scale went hand in hand with fame. But was it the only thing she wanted to do with her life? She thought back to her conversation with Ade – there was a time limit to the kind of success she could have as a young actor.

  It was late, and quite cool despite the sun shining in a nearly cloudless blue sky. A breeze swept in off the sea, wrapping itself around her. Goosebumps formed on her legs. Everything about this place reminded her of Finn. They’d hiked together over grassy clifftops, taking in the view of glimmering sea and craggy cliffs, pockets of sandy beaches and seaside cottages. They’d walked along the beach hand in hand, leaving footprints. They’d dangled their feet in rock pools and watched shadowy fish swim past their toes and spied crabs in crevices, while seaweed swayed beneath the clear saltwater. They’d kissed in the shadows of an outcrop of rocks, their hands exploring each other. They’d laid down together and gazed up at the bluest sky which had only a wisp of white cloud that looked like it had been brushed on by mistake. They’d kept their fingers entwined, holding on to each other not wanting the day to end or anyone to spoil their peace. She’d lost all that to fame. No, actually to notoriety. She wasn’t famous; Milo was. She’d become infamous because as far as anyone who didn’t know her was concerned, she’d slept with Milo to further her career. A lie had the same effect as truth, and now it was doing wonders for Heidi, except Milo had taken it one step further with her. Jenna knew it would all end in tears, for Heidi at least, if not for Milo.